Socialization,homeschooling, and fitting in

There is a forum right now on one of my home schooling boards as to whether an older kid should say something to his friends if they say things he is uncomfortable hearing.  There are hundreds of posts about how this young man should respond if he hears his peers say something is gay to mean it is bad.  The young man knows it is wrong, but his mother worries about him fitting in with the other kids.
I am shocked, saddened and a bit ashamed at the responses she is getting.  A lot of mothers are telling her it is no big deal and not something he should care about or say something about.  I can handle the posts that state that it is no big deal because I assume they themselves use it, and don't see anything wrong in doing so.  That is their choice.  But the posts stating that her son shouldn't say anything when he is bothered are the ones that make me crazy.  They think he should give away part of who he is to fit in?  I can't wrap my head around that. 

Part of the reason most people say they home school is to teach values, and so that their children have a strong sense of who they are and what they believe.   They want to raise well educated people.  When Socialization concerns arise they state that they are more concerned with the right type of socialization.  Well what does that mean if that is how they feel?  For me socialization means knowing how to interact with a wide variety of people.  It means being friends with different ages and backgrounds.  It means not bowing to peer pressure, but instead standing up for what you believe in.  It doesn't mean mocking others, or setting yourself up to police others beliefs, but if my child felt strongly about something I want them comfortable enough in their own skin to share it, defend it, and own it.   If they believe that gay people are stupid, or anything, really, they need to be able to defend it.  Even my adult kids who went to traditional schools know that is how it works.  I never told them that they couldn't believe something but I would question the premise of their argument.  I am proud to say that they are their own people and they don't squash who they are to please anyone. 

I am quite disgusted with more than a few home schoolers today, and even throughout our philosophical debates I can easily say that this is the first time they embarrass me to be part of their ranks.