I stopped drinking alcohol on February 15, 1988. Well actually I got drunk on the 15th so maybe that should read February 16, 1988. I don't mention this because I want kudos or atta girls but to reinforce how I feel right now at this very minute. I want to get shitfaced. I don't want to feel what I am feeling right now. I am exhausted feeling what I feel and I know that a couple of shots of tequila and I will feel different. Not necessarily better, in fact probably worse, but different. I am sick of crying, I am sick of being angry, I am sick of being afraid. The worse part is it isn't going to get better. If one more person tells me it will be okay I might actually punch someone, and I mean that literally since I beat my steering wheel so hard that my wonderful helpless husband actually got between me and it because he thought the air bag might explode. But these feeling have to go somewhere or I might actually go crazy. Can a person explode?
My father has T4 advanced liver cancer.
Until last week I wouldn't have known what that meant.....now I know too much. I know that the man my father was is disappearing. I know that I always thought it would be better to know you were dying so you could say the things you want to say and do the things you want to do, now I think 'all the sudden' might be better because people stop seeing you and instead only see the disease. It is the elephant in the room that we can't talk about but we have to talk about. I know that my 6 y/o son Isaiah is the only one honest enough to ask in a full room in a clear voice "Is Papa going to die?" I know that my answer as his mother was half-assed and filled with untruths and qualifiers that were all bullshit. I know I want to drink myself into oblivion so that I can forget for just a little while. But I also know that I can't. I have to feel what I feel and that the only way to get through this is straight ahead. Cliches are cliches for a reason. Here is another one that I use all the time to get through the challenges that life bring. "When you don't know what you are doing, do the next right thing" Well here is the problem. I don't know what the next right thing is. I don't know what to do, and as a control freak and 'fixer' I can't fix this. I also know that Dad and I have a lot of things that haven't been said. If you say them to soon it feels like I am putting him in the grave, and if I wait too long I might not ever get the chance. So now I have to decide what is important and what isn't. Old scars I didn't even know were there are replaced with new scabs. Old insecurities about where I fit in his life are awake. Actual hate towards someone else and the decisions and choices he made as a result, shock me and my pettiness shames me. Normal life is put on hold.....oh I still am here, but I am not present.
So I am not going to drink. Temporary solution to a long term problem and blah, blah, blah. But what it all boils down to is that I need to take care of me the same way I would take care of a friend who was going through this process, and drinking would not be a caring thing to do. What I do need to do and can't seem to give myself permission to do, is be patient and more understanding of my needs. I need to cry when I want to cry, I need to scream when I want to scream, and I need to eat even if I can't taste food, and I need to rest even though I can't sleep. I also need to figure out a way to find joy without feeling guilty. This is hopefully going to be a marathon and not a sprint. Maybe not a long marathon, but not forever either. Someday it will be all right, and someday I will feel better. But for today I am just going to sit with who I am and what I feel while holding on to the promise that I am strong enough to survive this even if someone I love doesn't.
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